How I Became Hawaii Mario Kart 64 Grand Champion

Grand Champion

👑 The one year journey is complete - I'm the Hawaii Mario Kart 64 Grand Champion! And the prize is...insane. Hana Koa, a favorite local brewery, ran qualifying tournaments the last year, culminating in a winners only championship that was sweaty and electric. My sister-in-law Heather noted that given no evidence of other tournaments, this also makes me the Hawaii state champion. The crown weighs heavy.

A younger version of myself never would have believed I'd be on the brink of turning 40, walking home with my gorgeous wife in Hawaii, crowned the champ. Here's the whole story. Buckle up, it's a long read, a good break from IG reels or Tiktok brain rot.

The obsession goes way back

I need to start by thanking my brother Keegan and the Durando brothers. We put in countless hours as kids in 1997 and 1998 racing and battling. With 5 people total, loser had to shift out, and I never wanted to give up the controller. Everyone wanted to be Yoshi or Toad, so I gave up competing with getting that character and went with Peach. I could grab controller 3 and always guarantee it.

Keegan and I would play at home on an ancient 10 inch TV we were so desperate to game, constantly keeping a lookout for when dad would get back from his run. We'd leave the game running, turn off the TV, and pretend we'd been reading books the whole time. This scheme worked for years, somehow pops never caught on I'd been reading the same Sherlock Holmes book for 5 or 6 years running. My dad had a rule - we could never have more than 5 cartridges at once, so if we got a new game, we had to give one up.

MK64 always remained in the rotation. We were obsessed. Learning all the glitches and shortcuts to set course records. Racing ghosts. Nintendo Power had challenges you could win a golden controller if you set a fast enough time and had to use mushrooms to jump a wall. I recall doing it, but missing the submission window.

I think I've played every version of Mario Kart since.

This looks fun: the first event

Roughly 30 years later and I'm trying out living in Oahu when a good friend Lorrie, who is quite the beer connoisseur happens to also be in town. We met up to brewery hop and end up at Hana Koa. This quickly becomes a favorite of mine, with inventive and tasty beers, a great location, and insanely delcious french fries. It became a regular spot for Annie and I to refuel after hikes, and was the one things I craved after running the 2022 Honolulu Marathon. When friends were in town for my wedding, we met up for drinks at Hana Koa. It's been a staple my entire time in Hawaii.

In December 2024 this popped up on my Instagram feed:

Seriously, a Mario Kart 64 tournament?! At Hana Koa?! I sent it to Annie and she said "YOU HAVE TO PLAY". I think she wanted a reason to go get some fries! I was hesitant, but she pushed me to sign up. I didn't want to embarrass myself, so the afternoon of the 19th I got an emulator and played each map once. It'd been YEARS, but it all came right back.

Up in the 2nd floor cocktail room, beers flowing, fries ordered, the owner announces something truly unbelievable

"We have gift cards for top three, and then we haven't shared this much, but we're going to run a few of these, and then next year we'll do a grand champs tournament and the winner will get to make a beer with us".

Races were run as single elimination. Don't come in last and you'll move on. Haha, similar rules we had as kids!

• 50cc on Mushroom cup
• 100cc on Flower Cup
• 150cc on Star/Special Cup
• And when 4 remained, a final 150cc on Rainbow Road.

Races were smooth! Except the first one on Kalamari Desert! I was just about to win when the woman next to me jumped in excitement! The cord on the controller bounced the console, and everything froze. Re-race. In this one I BARELY survived. Mario Kart randomness.

The whole tournament Annie and I were texting Keegan and Heather, who play a lot of the new version at home! I made the finals, and had a very smooth rainbow road despite being about 5 beers in against two other great players.

A new hat, 100 dollars in my pocket, and a note that I'd get to play in the grand championship. I was riding high, my ego was insufferable.

The next few tournaments we were out of town. I played again in March and made finals again, only to fall off the course on rainbow road's big drop and was never really able to catch up! Third place covered my entry fee at least, and I got a hat to give Annie!

Finals Prep

A few months went by, little word on the big tournament, but regular monthlies still happened. We were always a little too busy to make it or out of town. On our honeymoon, the news finally came:

Sitting on a day bed in the Maldives I signed up. Nerves immediately set in. I wanted to win. Mario Kart is so random though, and you can control some of this, but not all. I'd need some luck too.

In the week before the Finals, I put in a number of hours on Switch 2 playing Mario Kart 64. Hana Koa sent over the tracks we'd be racing on, and I was worried.

• Royal Raceway: For some reason I'd fall off this track a lot.
• Toad’s Turnpike: Tight with cars, punishing, but overall a good one and skill usually shows through.
• DK’s Jungle Parkway: I like one, did everyone know the shortcut hopping up the hill? How risky should I take the ramp jump?
• Bowser’s Castle: My least favorite map. The blocks, some of the turns, this was always rough for me for some reason.
• Rainbow Road: I like this one too.

Practice was not going well, especially on Bowser's castle. I probably raced on it 50 times prepping. Some with CPUs, some time trials. Lots of disasters. I could not avoid the stomping blocks. I'd need to get lucky if I got this far. I figured out some royal raceway lines to be better, it wasn't as fast as possible, but steady.

Welcome to the main stage

E-sports, which I'm a huge fan of (Halo especially) has this concept of the best teams competing on the main stage in front of the crowd. We were on the ground floor of the brewery and when we arrived, there was probably 200 people there. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but it felt big. We were escorted to our table and the waiter mentioned "Are you competing? I really hope you win. I want someone in MY section to win". No pressure.

Another competitor walked up to say hello.

Hey! I'm Zack! You BEAT ME last time! If I can't win, I'm cheering for you! Did you see the guy over there...he brought his own controller! I told him you beat me and he said "The only one you need to worry about here is ME". So now we just need to make sure we beat him!

We hadn't event started practicing yet and the competition was heating up. Palms were sweaty. Bringing your own controller made sense. I love the weird shape, but N64 controller sticks are trash, and in some of the previous rounds...you could get a really nasty and weird controller.

I got a warmup race or two in, but was mostly watching other competitors. Some people were very good. The most important thing seemed to be playing as player 3 or 4. 1 and 2 were too high up and the angle was brutal.

Race 1: Royal Raceway

I didn't recognize the other racers, locked in, and despite a bad hairpin in lap one and missing the ramp in lap 2 (How?!) I came in first. This felt good. People weren't too chatty, you could sense some nerves and competitive energy. I held off on a second beer so far, this wasn't Beerio Kart.

I achieved my stated goal - getting past the first round.

Race 2: Toad's Turnpike

I managed 2nd here, well behind first who had a super clean race. I was well ahead of 3rd and 4th, so a fairy comfortable race, despite hitting some cars in lap 3 when they filled both lanes.

The funniest part here...Zack and his crew started really cheering for me. "Ryannn! Ryannn! Ryannnn!". I was laughing and think it made me more nervous. "Let's GO PEACH!"

I'm not sure how I feel about the guy with his own controller whispering in my hear "we love you peachhhhhh". LOL

Race 3: DK’s Jungle Parkway

Another smooth race for me! I hit a massive jump turn at the start to get a lead, and was mostly able to sustain it the race. I can't recall if I got 1st or 2nd here, but was moving on! The woman that got 2nd in my qualifier, and said she played a lot at home, got upset and knocked out here. She was who I was MOST nervous about facing later, but she got unlucky on the hill shortcut and crashed.

Race 4: Wario Stadium

WHAT?! This wasn't on the course list!! ChatGPT Bracket screwed up and we needed another elimination round. I'd told Annie and a competitor next to me early on in the evening.

I'm so glad we aren't racing on Wario Stadium. It's too punishing with the gap and lightining. I kicked someone out of a previous race with that trick.

Well, here we were. Jeff raced before me and fell in the hole. He was trying to catch up, but his only hope was to get a lightining on the last boxes before the jump on lap 3. Somehow, he did. Immediately hit it, and the other guy fell. Absolutely electric. The crowd went crazy.

We'd seen two groups race here now and NO ONE had done the jump shortcut. The organizers said before "all shortcuts are fine". I asked my fellow racers "Are you guys OK with shortcuts? Do you know it?". SILENCE. "You can jump the walls...".

One said "Ya, that's cool as long as it's not a glitch." I didn't know what to do.

3...2...1...GO. I purposely got a slow start, turned straight into the wall, and jumped. I sailed over. My fanbase went crazy. GG Boys. This shortcut puts you about 1/2 a lap ahead on the longest course in the game. Even if disaster struck, I'd be in the lead. I was assured moving on and they were racing for 2nd to advance and it became a somewhat boring, but very close 2nd and 3rd place race.

A spectator in the brewery came up to me.

BRAH, I SAW THAT. You fucking cheated! That was epic! Nice win!

I felt bad, kind of. Get good.

Race 5: Bowser's Castle

The bracket was cruel. I was pitted with Zack and Jeff, my two new friends. We were off.

I had a horrendous start. I don't know what happened, but I lost control and was just crashing into a wall, repeatedly. Had to back up and was well well behind the other two. I'd be catching up the whole time.

At the start of lap 3 I was close but would need to be perfect. Zack was way ahead. Jeff was just out of sight, then I saw he hit a block. My nemesis. I passed him and he was getting desperate and had another crash about halfway. 2nd place secure and ONTO THE GRAND FINALS

Race 6: Rainbow Road

Intros were loud. We all walked up to the main stage. I got stuck as player 1 and scooted my seat back as far as possible so the angle wasn't like the front row of a movie theater. The projector, light room, angle, and rainbow road map all made it really hard to see what was going on. Impossible to see the bombs or chain chomps on the track. Everyone else started plugging in their own controllers or massively preferred ones but were oddly silent. We did some quick fist bumps and GLHFs.

I wish I had more to say about this race, but it was perfection. I got the boost start and shot into first, then ever saw anyone else again. I don't think I hit a single chain chomp, bomb, banana, or anything. Maybe blue shelled once. As lap 3 started I noted I had about a 20-30s lead and the other players were all bunched up shooting each other. The owner Josh later said

Congrats man, that had to have been the cleanest run on rainbow road I've ever seen

Grand Champ

Aftermath was great. All smiles. I get to MAKE A BEER with Hana Koa. In the post race interview, I failed to say IM GOING TO DISNEYLAND. Oops. Someone gave me a t-shirt because he'd just enjoyed watching. Our waiter bought my beers. Our food was all discounted with "da homies" markdown. I sat and just enjoyed, while some others booted up GoldenEye.

We've kicked off the beer making brainstorming (style, flavor, can art, name) and I got a full tour of the brewery! It should come out sometime in April - beers on me! It's their first individual collaboration, no pressure!

Mahalo to all the folks at Hana Koa. I got to live my pro gamer dream and won on main stage to cheers. If this software engineering manager things doesn't work out...at least I've got Mario Kart.

Keegan seems stoked:

I'm thrilled, now everyone else can find out what it's like to lose to Ryan in Mario Kart.

And while Annie and I couldn't get back to the bay for thanksgiving, word is my champship was the talk of family dinner! Did the family proud!